


THE ONLY HEAVEN I'LL BE SENT TO IS WHEN I'M ALONE WITH YOU

by LadyGrey1996



Category: The Imitation Game (2014)
Genre: Christmas, Established Relationship, First Christmas Together, Fluff, Gift Exchange, Happy Ending, M/M, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-22
Updated: 2015-04-22
Packaged: 2018-03-25 05:01:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3797668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyGrey1996/pseuds/LadyGrey1996
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alan is invited by the Morcoms to spend Christmas with them at their house.<br/>Alan and Christopher are seventeen in this fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1. Christmas Eve

**Author's Note:**

  * For [NikiCracker](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NikiCracker/gifts).



> There is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin

Alan is in his dorm room, packing his few things inside his trunk. He folds his uniform trousers and puts them in. After that the uniform shirts and the jacket. He folds the clothes that he is going to be wearing outside school and his personal hygiene things. Last of all, he packs some of his books. He wants them to be on the top so that he can reach for them easily. He remembers something and opens his night stand drawer. He takes the book that's inside and opens it. A guide to codes and ciphers. He smiles and puts the red book in the trunk.

He has woken up quite early this morning in order to pack his things. He is immensely excited about spending Christmas with Christopher and his family. They had invited him to their house, after everything Christopher has been saying about him for years. His parents asked for his mother's permission and she agreed immediately, glad that her son has such a great friend at last. Of course their families don't know the truth about their relationship, but, fortunately, they are at an age where hey can spend a lot of time with each other and not draw suspicion on themselves. Especially in an all-boys school. Yeah, seventeen is a pretty amazing age.

He looks around, checks one last time for anything that he might ave forgotten and reaches for his trunk. Then, the door opens and Christopher emerges, looking excited, with his hair ruffles, his cheeks red and his eyes bright. Alan smiles, sharing his excitement and goes over to him. He cups his cheeks, burning with excitement, and smiles. Christopher leans his head a little and kisses him softly on the lips.

“Ready?” he asks, when he pulls away.

Alan's smile widens and he nods.

“Yes.” he says.

Christopher helps Alan get his trunk out and they head towards the school garden where some kids are greeting their parents, while others use the buses provided to go to the train station. The whole atmosphere has something bittersweet flooding in the air. He looks around at the school and smiles. He turns and sees Christopher looking at him and smiling. He smiles shyly and then they walk to the buses.

On the way there, Christopher stops to talk to some other students to say their farewells. They all eye Alan, weirdly as he stands a few inches behind Christopher. Christopher laughs and speaks cheerfully to them, always the lovable and easy-to-be-with Christopher, but when they are far enough so that they can't hear them, he places a hand on Alan's lower back, just for a moment, and says “Don't pay attention to them.” Alan turns to look at him him and Christopher nods encouragingly. They get on the bus and take a sit next to each other, after they place their trunks, one the side. Alan looks outside the window and sights. He taps his foot nervously until Christopher places a warm hand on his knee to table it. Alan turns to look at him, as if he has forgotten that he is not alone.

Christopher smiles at him and Alan places a, slightly trembling, hand on top of his.

“Relax.” he tells him and Alan's smile, when he finally smiles, is forced. “what are you so worried about?” Christopher asks. “You were fine a couple of hours ago.”

Alan looks at him. “Chis, what if they don't... you now.”

“Alan, they're gonna love you.” Christopher smiles and squeezes his hand. Then he lets go, because people are starting to come over and he doesn't want to risk anybody seeing them.

“Alan comes a little closer to him so they can talk quietly, but he still maintains a certain distance between then.

“Not many people ever like me.” he says honestly. Christopher sights, because really this isn't the place to have a talk like that. He want's to hug Alan, comfort him, and he can't do it in a bus full of people. He curses under his breath and looks deeply into Alan's eyes.

“I love you.” he whispers. “Your parent's love you. And _mine_ are gonna love you as well. They already do, Alan.”

Alan looks at him a little calmer and smiles and honest smile this time.

He nods and Christopher understands that he doesn't wish to talk about it any more, so he changes the subject and starts talking about ciphers. Alan smiles brightly and indulges into the conversation.

 

 

The ride with the train is a few good hours so they take a sit and take some of their books out. Christopher smiles affectionately when Alan takes the red book out as well.

“Are you still reading this?” he asks when Alan opens it to read. “After all this time?”

Alan smiles and then raises his head from the book.

“Always.” he answers.

Christopher smiles and let's his head fall back into the sit and closes his eyes.

 

After a few pages, Alan closes the book. It's so easy to read now. He smiles at the memory of Christopher and him under the tree a few years before. He puts it on the empty sit opposite to him and turns to look outside the window. He watches as the scenery changes fast in front of his eyes. He closes is eyes but he finds that he isn't calm enough to sleep. He turns his head and looks at Christopher who has fallen asleep. He watches his lips, his cheeks, his eyelashes. He keeps looking at them even though that they are already engraved in his memory. He can close his eyes and still he is able to create a perfect image of Christopher. He can recognize him in the dark only by touch. He lets himself fall asleep to the rhythmic pattern of the raise and fall of Christopher's chest.

 

Christopher wakes him up when the have arrived at the station. He feels a hand on his shoulder and opens his eyes. Christopher looks at him and smiles when he sees that Alan is awake.

“Are we here?” he asks.

“Mm hm.” Christopher says. “C'mon.” They take their trunks and head from the platforms to the main station. Christopher smiles and waves when he sees his mother and older sister. They smile widely at him and he gestures for Alan to hurry.

When they come close enough, Christopher's sister hugs him tight and Christopher lets the trunk down to hug her back.

While this happens, Christopher's mother approaches him smiling. He offers his hand but she closes him into tight embrace. At first Alan stiffens, shocked but then he smiles and hugs her back.

“Hello, dear.” she says cheerfully when she pulls back, still holding his hands in hers. “How are you?”

“I am very good Mrs Morcom. How are you?” Alan says.

“Oh, I am fine dear.” she answer.

“Thank you so much for having me, Mrs Morcom.” he says smiling.

“Oh, nonsense, dear.” she says “We have heard so much about you, I found it foolish not having met you.” She smiles again at him and Alan smiles back and nods.

“I have heard a lot about you, too, Mrs Morcom. Christopher mentions you often.”

“Oh, I am sure I don't want to know what he says.” she says and turns to her son. Christopher smiles one of his charming smiles and hugs his mother.

“Mother,” he says “how are you?”

“I am fine dear, very good.” she answers. “And Christopher, had I known what an amazing kid Alan is I would have told you to invite him sooner.” she exclaims.

“Yes, mother, Alan is amazing.” Christopher says casually. Alan is grateful he is not swallowing anything because he would have choked on it. He fakes a smile at Mrs Morcom who is looking at him proudly. Christopher places a hand on his sisters back and brings her closer.

“Alan, this is my sister, Helen.” he says.

“Hello, Helen says smiling and offers her hand.

Alan shakes it and smiles. “Hello, Helen,” he says “It is very nice to meet you.”

Helen smiles. “Likewise.”

“We should be heading to the car.” Mrs Morcom says. “You father is waiting Christopher.” she says looking at her son. “He must be freezing!”

Christopher laugh and follows his mother and sister, eyeing Alan. He gives him a questioning look and Alan nods. He can swear Christopher's look then says “I told you.”

 

They arrive at the car and Mr Morcom is waiting for them outside, smoking. When he sees them he drops the cigarette and steps on it with the heel of his shoe. He shakes Christopher's hand and turn to Alan.

“Hello, Mrs Morcom.” Alan says offering his hand. “How are you.”

“Very good, my boy, very good indeed, thank you.” he answers shaking his hand. “And how are you?” he asks then.

“Very well, thank you.” he says.

“Come on boys. Get in the car.” Mrs Morcom says as she, herself gets in the car. Christopher smiles at Alan and gets in the car. Alan follows him.

 

When they arrive at the Morcom's house, Mrs Morcom parks the car and they get out. As the head towards the house, Alan takes a look at it and smiles. It is warm and friendly place. It looks like home.

They come through the kitchen were Mrs Morcom tell them to leave their coats for now. She leads them through the living room up the stairs where Christopher's room is.

“Alan, dear,” she says “You will have to sleep with Christopher in his room, because Mark, Helen's fiance, will be coming later today and he will sleep in the guest room.” she explains.

“Uhm, there is no problem, Mrs Morcom, really.” he says kindly.

“You can sleep in Christopher's bed, and I brought the folding bed for Christopher to sleep in.”

“Thank you Mrs Morcom,” he says “but honestly, you didn't have to-”

“Nonsense.” she interrupts him. “It was no trouble. Now,” she says looking around. “I shall leave you two boys unpack. Remember Christopher, dinner is at seven.”

“Yes mother.” Christopher answers and Mrs Morcom nods and leaves then room, closing the door behind her. Alan turns to Christopher, who smirks and raises an eyebrow.

“What a tragedy.” he teases. “We, have to share a room.” Alan snorts and and shakes his head.

“Come on, Chris” he says. “Let's unpack.”

After they have finished unpacking - Christopher, offered a part of his closet to Alan, to put his things – Alan takes a look around he room. There are infinitely many books on the shelves, mostly about maths, chemistry and codes. Most of them will be more or less incomprehensible for other boys their age, and God only knows at what age Christopher read them. There are a few bottles and testing tubes in one side. Next to the bed there is a simple night stand, not more complicated than the ones in their dorms. He smiles and sits on the bed, folds his knees so that they are touching his chest and wraps his arms around them. He smiles.

“So, this used to be your room.”

Christopher looks around and smiles. He goes over to sit to the bed he will be sleeping in and turns so that he is looking at Alan. Alan really wants him to come and sit in the bed with him but he knows that Christopher will not risk it.

“They, haven't changed it much.” he tells him. He follows Alan's look and smiles when he sees that he is looking at the books.

“I confess I haven't read all of them.” Alan turns slightly shocked to look at Christopher. Then his expression softens into a teasing look and raises an eyebrow.

“Okay” he says “how many of the books _didn't_ you read?”

Christopher looks sheepishly at him.

“Uhm, three?” he says slowly. There must be more than a couple of hundreds here.

Alan fakes a furrow and pretends to think.

“That is serious.” he says finally “I don't believe we can be friends anymore.”

Christopher laughs and throws a pillow at Alan. Alan catches it and starts laughing.

 

 

They come down for dinner at quarter to seven. When they enter the living room they find Mr Morcom and another man, who, Alan guesses is Helen's fiance, Mark, chatting, each of them with a glass of whiskey in their hand.

“Hello, boys.” Mr Morcom smiles when he sees them.

“Hi, dad.”

“Hello, Mrs Morcom.” Christopher and Alan say at the same time.

“Where's Helen?” Christopher asks.

“In the kitchen. She is helping your mother prepare dinner.” Mr Morcom answers. “Alan,” he says then “this is Mark.”

Alan greets him pleasantly.

“Mark, this is Alan,” Mr Morcom says “a friend of Christopher's. He will be staying with us over Christmas.”

“Hello, Alan.” Mark says and shakes Alan's hand. “Pleasure to meet you.”

“Likewise sir.” Alan says.

“Oh, please.” Mark laughs good-heartedly “Call me Mark.”

Alan smiles at him. He seems to be a fine guy.

 

 

When dinner is ready, Helen helps Mrs Morcom to serve it. Alan and Christopher sit next to each other, across from Helen and Mark. Mr and Mrs Morcom sit at each head of the table. Mrs Morcom has made pasta with meat and Mr Morcom compliments her on it.

“He always does it.” Mrs Morcom tells him.

Alan smiles and takes a bite from his plate.

“It is amazing Mrs Morcom.” he tells her. “You must be a great cook.”

She smiles warmly at him and say “Oh, thank you Alan, you are very sweet.”

He turns to see Christopher looking at him affectionately and looks down on his plate, so that no one notices his burning cheeks.

For the rest of the dinner they talk about school and Alan's family and Helen and Mark's wedding plans.

When they finish, Mrs Morcom and Helen stand up to clean the table.

“Can I help with anything?” Alan offers.

“Oh no, dear, thank you.” she says smiling. “You and Christopher go upstairs and do your thing,” she adds “Helen and I can take care of it.”

His eyes widen when she says that, but he guesses that he is just over-reacting.

He smiles at her and stands up. He and Christopher say goodnight and head up to Christopher's room.

When they close the door Alan turns to look at him.

“Do you think,” he says “that your mother may know anything?” Christopher laughs and comes closer.

“Why, because of what she said? Relax, Alan.” he says and takes his hands in his. “She doesn't.”

“But-”

“I'm telling you.” he interrupts him “She doesn't know anything.” He comes closer and cups his face in his hands. “Now, will you relax and enjoy our vacation?” he smiles.

Alan nods and licks his lips. Christopher's eyes travel from his eyes to his lips. He swallows and then places a kiss on Alan's lips.

“Great.” he says and walks further in to the room. “Now what do you want to do?”

Alan think for a while and then smirks. “Do you want to read one of the books you haven't read?”

Christopher smirks.

“If that means we will stay friends.” Alan laughs and sits on the bed. Christopher takes a book from a shelves and sits on the bed with Alan, their shoulders barely touching.

They read for a while and then, at some point Alan realizes that Christopher has fallen asleep.

He is tempted to stay in the bed with him, but he doesn't risk it. He pushes the bed cover up for him and then he goes to the folded bed and lays down. He reads a bit more and then closes the book and puts it on the night stand. He turns off the light and turns so that he is looking at Christopher. He smiles and closes his eyes. The first day has gone well.

 

 


	2. 2. Christmas Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was born sick, but I love it

Alan wakes up from the sunlight hitting directly to his face. He shrugs and rubs his still closed eyes. He sights and opens his eyes. The room is empty. No sight of Christopher. He closes his eys for a while and enjoys a moment of silence. He listens to the sounds of the house waking up. He can here someone, probably Mrs Morcom, swirling in the kitchen preparing breakfast, he recognizes Mr Morcom's loud voice talking to someone, probably Mark. He here's footsteps closing in and then the door opens an closes. He smiles and opens his eyes.

Christopher walks in with a towel hanging low on his waist, water dripping form his hair.

His face is innocent and but Alan sees that he can barely hide a smirk. Alan's eyes widen at the sight in front of him.

“The water is still hot if you want to take a shower Alan.” he tells him.

“You're a tease.” Alan answers as he gets out of bed.

Christopher smirks and hands Alan a towel. Alan takes it and passes him, brushing their arms slightly. He goes to the bathroom, takes the toothbrush from where he left it last night, near the sink, and brushes his teeth. He takes his clothes off and get's into the tub. He let's the water falling on his body wake him up and he takes the soap. He cleans himself and takes a deep breath. It smells like Christopher. He get's out of the tub and drys his body and hair with the towel. He thinks about living it on so that he can tease Christopher back, but then he thinks of another way to get revenge. He smiles and puts his clothes on. He only wears a white shirt and trousers. The shirt sticks to his body a little because it's still not completely dry.

He goes into Christopher's room and finds him reading last night's book. When he comes in Christopher raises his head from the book and has to look twice. His eyes widen and he licks his lips.

Alan maintains a serious face when he says

“You were right. The water was amazing.” Christopher doesn't say anything. Alan smirks and heads over to his trunk to get a sweater. He doesn't hear Christopher approach him so he jumps when he feels arms wrap around his waist.

“Shhh” Christopher shushes near his ear and kisses his neck. “I think I like you in only the shirt.” He says rubbing his hands up and down Alan's sides. Alan shivers and turns in his arms. He leans to kiss him but then looks at the door and pulls back again. Christopher looks at the door as well. He sights and takes Alan's hand. He takes him to a certain corner where they will not be immediately seen if someone opens the door without knocking. He pushes Alan against the wall and leans in to kiss him hungrily. Alan moans and brings a hand on Christopher's back to bring him closer. He pushes his whole body against Christopher. Christopher groans when Alan's leg slide's between his to rub against his erection and Alan smiles in the kiss. Suddenly he grabs Alan's hips, still kissing him, and turns him, so his back is against the wall. He kisses a trail from Alan's lips to his neck, but doesn't bite or suck. He comes back to his lips and gives him one last peck. Christopher opens his eyes to look at him.

“I don't think it will be wise to continue.” Alan says.

Christopher looks at him and nods, still gaining his normal breathing pattern back. He brings his hand on Alan's shoulder and rubs the back of his neck.

“I know.” he says.

They spend some more time in the room so that the most clear signs of their make out would fade away and then they go down for breakfast.

 

They walk into the living room and greet Mr Morcom, Mark, and Helen. The talk far a while and then they head to the kitchen to have breakfast.

“Go on,” Mr Morcom had said “We have had breakfast already.”

They go to the kitchen and find Mrs Morcom cooking.

“Hello, boys.” she smiles when she sees them.

“Hello, mum.” Christopher says.

“Good morning, Mrs Morcom.”

“Good morning Alan, dear. Did you sleep well.” she asks him.

“Very well, thank you, Mrs Morcom.”

“Come and sit down, both of you. I'll prepare you something to eat.” the sit down and listen to her talk while she runs up and down the room preparing food.

“So, the Dawsons are coming today for dinner.” she tells them. “You have met them Christopher, remember?”

“No, not really.” Christopher tells her.

“Yes, they have this son. He's away now, studying, I can't exactly remember where. They have a daughter, too.” she says after a pause.

“Oh?” Christopher says uninterested.

“Yes, yes. Lilly. She is around your age. Such a nice girl. And very well educated.” Mrs Morcom continues. Christopher, slowly gets the point of the conversation.

“Aha” he says trying to look as uninterested as he can possibly manage.

“She is coming today. You could talk to her.” his mother offers.

“And say what?” he asks.

“Oh, I don't know. Your father and I used to talk four hours before we got married.”

“Married?!” Christopher snorts. “Mother calm down, I'm seventeen.” he says.

“So was I honey.” she says.

“Yes, you, not dad.” Christopher says. “Besides-” he pauses. Alan snaps his head up to look at him.

“Besides what?” his mother asks.

“Besides,” he says “that was then, mum. I want to finish school and go away to university. I want to study math and codes, and I don't want to be married when I do. Much less to a girl I don't even know.” Mrs Morcom sights but turns to smile at him.

“Whatever you decide, honey.” she says sweetly and places a plate with scrambled eggs and some bread on the table between them.

They eat in silence and when they are done, Mrs Morcom suggests they go out for a walk, and insists on them wearing every lots of layers so that she won't return Alan to his mother with pneumonia.

 

They put their coats, gloves and scarfs on and go out. They walk among other houses and Christopher, tells him whatever little he knows about the history of the village. Alan looks amazed at the beauty of it. He turns ti Christopher and smiles. He wants to take his hand in his but he knows he isn't allowed to do that. They arrive at a park and go in. Alan goes over to a bench but, realizes that Christopher is no longer following him. He turns to look and finds him walking to a swing. He laughs and raises an eyebrow.

“We won't just sit in a bench like we're sixty, Alan.” he says. “Come on!” he calls out.

“Alan laughs and approaches the swings. He sits on the one next to Christopher and moves his legs a little so that he is slightly moving.

They stay silent for a while. Each one enjoying the other's company. Christopher breaks the silence first.

“I'm sorry about this morning, Alan.” he suddenly says.

Alan raises his head to look at him.

“I know it was weird, I don't know what got into her.” he says.

Alan stays silent for a few moment.

“It was weird.” He says “But not out of place. In her mind it was right. She couldn't have known.” Christopher nods.

“All the same. I'm sorry.”

“I know.” Alan smiles. “So who are the Dawson's?” he asks amused.

“Honestly, I have no clue. Ι probably saw them once or twice in my life in events like that. My mother expects me to remember everyone just like she does.” he laughs.

“So, you don't actually remember who she's like.” Alan says quietly. So quite that Christopher barely catches the words.

“Alan, are you afraid that I might actually _like_ her?” Christopher says almost amused.

Alan doesn't answer. He keeps his head down, looking at the sand in his shoes.

“Alan.” Christopher says more serious now.

“Maybe” Alan whispers.

“Oh, Alan his is ridiculous.” Christopher says and turns his swing a bit so that he is looking at Alan. “Look, I might not know what this girl looks like, but I can assure yo that I will not like her. She is something I don't like and I know that for sure.”

“What is she not?” Alan snorts. “A boy?”

“No,” Christopher say seriously. “You.”

Alan raises his head to look at him. Christopher smiles affectionately.

“Okay?” he asks.

“Okay.” Alan says and smiles shyly.

“Good.” Christopher smiles. “Come on. Let's take another walk and head home to get ready.” he takes Alan's hand and forces hi off the swing. On the way back they walk a little closer to each other.

 

They are in Christopher's room when they here the door bell ring. They head down the stairs while Mrs Morcom and Mr Morcom are welcoming the Dawsons. They walk towards them and stand a few feet behind Mr and Mrs Morcom.

“Oh, Violet,” Mrs Morcom says to Mrs Dawson “come.” she brings her to where Alan and Christopher are standing.

“Is this Christopher?” she asks excitedly. “Oh, my dear boy, how you have grown!” she pats his cheek.

“Hello, Mrs Dawson.” Christopher says and offers a handshake. “How, are you?”

“Very good my dear boy, very good. And who is this?” She asks turning to Alan.

“This is Alan Turing. A friend of Christopher's.” Mrs Morcom explains.

“Oh, how nice. How very nice.” she says.

“Hello.” Alan says.

“Hello, Alan.” she smiles. “And this,” she says gesturing for her daughter to come closer “is Lilly. Lilly, this is Alan and Christopher, the boy I was telling you about.”

Christopher look momentarily at his feet, but then remembers his manners.

“Hello, Lilly. Nice to see you.” he says. Well played, Alan thought. He wasn't sure if Lilly remember if they have met before. She could take it either way.

“Hello.” She says sheepishly. “Nice to see you too.” then she turns to Alan. “Hello, Alan.” she says.

“Hello, Lilly,” he smiles. “Nice to meet you.”

 

After introducing themselves to the rest of the family, they three of the are left alone. It appears that Lilly is quite the mind and she enjoys reading. When she finds out that both Alan and Christopher like codes and ciphers she is over the moon and all three of them engage in a conversation about it. Lilly asks all sorts of questions and she wants to know about the school they go to and the classes they take. Until dinner is served she has made a good impression to Alan, and even though Mrs Dawson apparently talked to her about Christopher she doesn't seem the least interested in him.

During lunch, they all talk about something and Mrs Dawson seems interested in hearing every single thing about Alan and Christopher's life in school.

After they have finished dinner, the women stay in the kitchen talking about Helen's wedding, while men stay in the living room, smoking and talking about politics.

The three of them go outside in the garden and sit on the benches. The talk for a while and decide to bring Christopher's chess to play. Alan offers to go because he has to use the bathroom as well. Christopher tells him where to find it, and Alan leaves Lilly and Christopher alone.

 

After he has used the bathroom he goes over to the bedroom to find the chess. He finds it were Christopher told him. It is heavy, made of wood. He puts it under his arm, and heads down the stairs. In order to get out to the garden he has to pass through the kitchen where the women are talking. He is about to enter the kitchen when he hears something that makes him stop.

“Christopher is smart” Mrs Dawson says. “He is kind and caring. He is perfect for Lilly.”

“Yes,” Mrs Morcom agrees. “And Lilly is a very pleasant young lady. I think she is going to be an excellent wife.”

Alan takes a sharp breath and walks into the kitchen. The women smile at him and he forces a smile.

“Alan?” Mrs Morcom says.

“Yes?” he turns to face them.

“What do you think of Lilly?”

“Uuuuuuuhm.....” he says and the three women keep looking at him. “I th- I think,” damn it his stutter is back. “She's good. She's-” he takes a deep breath. “I think she would be perfect for Christopher” he says then quickly and leaves the room.

He goes over to the garden and finds Christopher and Lilly laughing. He stops a few feet away. They haven't seen him yet. He looks at them. He can't get the last words out of his head. Yeah. She would e good for him. Great even. He could be normal. If he gave it a try.

“Alan!” Christopher calls. Alan snaps his head up and looks at him. Christopher gives him a confused look. Alan smiles.

“I brought the chess.” he says and walks over to them.

 

At night, when the Dawsons are gone, he lays on the bed and takes the red book in his hand. He smiles sadly and doesn't look up when Christopher comes in.

“Alan?” Christopher says. “Is everything alright?”

Alan doesn't answer. Christopher leans against the door.

“You've been acting strange since you came back from bringing the chess, what happened?”

Alan raises his head and looks at Christopher, his face giving out nothing.

“I want to break up.” he says calmly. Christopher's face pales. He says nothing for a very long while. Then he locks the door and walks over to Alan and sits next to him on the bed. He takes the book off of Alan's head and plays with it for a while.

“Why?” he asks finally, as calmly as he can.

Alan isn't looking at him. He doesn't know what to say. No. He knows what to say. He just doesn't want to say it.

“I think,” he says slowly without looking at Christopher. “that,” no, that's not right. He takes a deep breath and starts over. “I saw you. With Lilly. She is good for you. You mother-”

“Alan what are you going on about?” Christopher asks exasperatedly.

“She is good for you, Christopher. She can be good for you. With her you can have a normal life-”

“I don't want I normal life!” Christopher exclaims.

“You say that now, but-”

“But what? Alan?” he turns to look at him for the first time. “But what?”

“What about later?”

“Later? _What_ about later?”

Alan gets out of the bed and Christopher has to raise his head to look at him.

“We won't always be seventeen, Chris! We won't be able to walk side by side in a few years without raising suspicion! What about when we have to live in separate flats because we can't risk living together? We won't be able to have dinner in a restaurant together, we won't be able to go to the movies...!” Alan is practically yelling now. The only thing keeping him from speaking to loud is the fact that he doesn't want anyone coming up here now.

Christopher stands up and goes over to Alan. He gets so close that Alan takes a step back, until his knees his the bed.

“All these thing will not stop me from wanting to be with you Alan!”

“You don't know Christopher. You don't know what is going to happen!”

“I know I want to try, damn it!” Christopher says. “I don't want an easy life with a wife and kids. I want to be with you. No matter how hard it's gonna be.”

“You don't now what you might do. You don't know what _I_ might do.”

“Oh I know, what I'm going to do.”

“What?” Alan provokes him.

“You.”

Before Alan realizes what happens, Christopher wraps his arms around Alan's legs and Alan falls backwards on the bed. Christopher lays on top of him and kisses him hungrily. Alan moans and rocks his hips up. Christopher growls and grabs a handful of Alan's hair. He pulls Alan's hair and starts kissing and licking his neck. Alan brings his hand to his mouth and bites his fist so that he doesn't scream. They rock their hips together and Alan kisses Christopher brutally. It is more teeth and tongue than an actual kiss. He feels the familiar heat in his stomach and he groans.

“Chris.” he warns.

“Yes, Alan, come on.” Christopher says and bites his shoulder, low where it won't be seen.

Alan bites his fist hard to keep from scream and comes hard. He feels Christopher follow him just after.

Afterwards Christopher unzips Alan's trouser's and takes them off along with the trousers. Then he changes into his pajamas and takes his and Alan's clothes to the bathroom to wash the stain away. Until he comes back a few minutes later he has changed into his pajamas as well. He is laying on the bed and is almost asleep when Christopher comes in. he feels Christopher come near the bed and place a kiss to Alan's temple. The last thing he hears him say before he falls asleep is:

“As if I am going to let you out of my life that easily.”

He smiles.

 

 


	3. 3. New Years Eve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Offer me that deathless death. Good God, let me give you my life

Alan wakes up on New Year's Eve with Christopher kissing him softly on the face. His lips, his nose, his closed eyes, he cheeks. He smiles and leaves a content sound. He feels Christopher's lips curl into a smile and opens his eyes.

“Happy New Year's Eve.” Christopher smiles from above him.

“Happy New Year's Eve.” Alan says back.

“You know what this means, don't you Alan?” Christopher says excitedly.

“I know what it means Chris.” Alan says, not entirely awake already.

“Presents!” Christopher says and goes over to the library to retrieve what Alan guessed was his present.

Christopher comes back to sit on the bed next to Alan and hands him a wrapped box.

Alan makes to get out of the bed but Christopher stops him, wrapping his hand around his wrist.

“Where do you think you're going?” he asks.

“To get your present.” Alan answers.

“No, sit.” Christopher pulls him back into the bed. “I want you to see yours first.”

“Alan smiles and gives up. He takes the box and unwraps it. He finds a simple wooden box, like a music box, but a little bigger, like it can fit book inside. He opens it and inside there is a slick black pen. It's feather had shades of silver, and next to it there was an ink bottle with a few colours aside to chose from. He smiles excitedly and looks at Christopher with wide eyes.

“I've given you so many books over the years the I thought I should give you something else instead.” he explains. “Maybe you'll write your own at some point.” he smiles. Who knows.”

Alan offers him a toothy smiles and kissed him. “It is beautiful.” he tells him. “Thank you.”

“I'm glad you liked it.”

“Liked it? I loved it.” Alan corrects him. “Can I give you yours now?”

“Mm hm.”

“I thought,” Alan says as he get out of bed “I'd get you something else this year, too.” he takes the present out of his trunk and goes to sit on the bed. He hands it to Christopher. Christopher looks at it and tries to understands what it is. It is soft, not hard as Alan's presents usually are.

“Hey, no guessing.” Alan teases “open it.”

Christopher unwraps it and his hands touch a soft fabric. When he realizes what it is he looks at Alan wide eyed.

“Alan is this-?”

“Yes.” Alan says smiling.

“When did you-?”

“When your mother asked me to go buy some milk and bread.”

“Alan, this is incredible, thank you.” Christopher says his eyes watering and looks down at the scarf in his hands.

On their way back from the park on Christmas, they had stopped at a window of a shop and Christopher showed Alan a scarf. He told him it was almost identical to a scarf his grand father had, who passed it to his father and then he, on his turn, would to give it to him but the scarf got burned down in a fire on the hospital his father used to work. Christopher loved to play with this scarf when he was little and couldn't wait for the time he would get older and it would finally be his own.

Alan smiles at the memory and looks at Christopher who looks at the scarf adoringly. He raises his head to look at Alan with the same look.

He wraps his arms around Alan's neck and kisses him.

“Thank you.” he whispers.

“You're welcome. Alan whispers back and gives Christopher a kiss on the neck.

 

They head down for breakfast and Mrs Morcom welcomes them in her usual cheerful mood.

“Good morning boys. Did you sleep well?” she asks as she starts preparing breakfast for them.

“Good morning Mrs Morcom.” Alan says.

“Good morning mum.” Christopher says. They take a sit on the table.

“Where's father?” Christopher asks.

“He is taking your sister and Mark to the station. Something happened and Mark has to leave today.” she tell them.

“Oh, he won't be back, then?”

“No, not for New Year's.” she says. “But, Mr and Mrs Smith are coming for dinner.” she says bringing a plate with beans and bread on the table. “Eat.” she tells them softly.

“Mr and Mrs Smith.” Christopher says. “Do I know them?”

“Oh, I don't think so sweetie. Your father and I met them at the Browns' Christmas dinner last year. You had stayed at school.”

“Ah, yes. I remember.” Christopher says smiling.

Alan remembers as well. He and Christopher had decided to stay at school last year for Christopher to have some free time together, without classes. They told their parents they had a lot to study and that they would need to stay at school. It is fair to say they not do much studying.

“Do they have any daughters you would like me to meet as well?” Christopher's sarcastic comment brings him back to reality.

“Christopher.” his mother warns him.

“Sorry.” Christopher says, sounding no sorry at all.

“Anyway they don't have a daughter. At least not one your age. Their children are much younger. Margaret is three and John is five.” she says.

“Thank God.” Christopher says quietly, so his mother doesn't hear him. Alan snorts.

“Would it be much trouble, dear, to asks you to hang around with them while they are here?” Christopher's eyes widen and Alan looks at him shocked.

“Mum, I really don't think-”

“They are very quite kids.” His mother insists. “You will not even realize they are with you.”

Christopher takes a deep breath. “Okay, we'll take them with us.” he gives Alan and apologetic look and Alan smiles amused.

 

Later on, when Mr Morcom and Helen come back from the station they boys are called down to the living room to exchange presents.

They are all there, Mrs Morcom and Helen sitting on the couch, Mr Morcom sitting in his armchair with a glass of whiskey and Christopher and Alan sitting down on the soft carpet.

“Okay,” Mrs Morcom says, smiling enthusiastically “Let us give you kids yours first.” she takes out three presents and hands one to Christopher who thanks her with a hug, one to Helen gives her a kiss and one to Alan who very kindly thanks her. They open them. Helen gets a new necklace, Christopher a new formal tie and cuff lings. Alan opens his and take out a knitted sweater.

“Mrs Morcom this is very generous of you.” he tells her. “Did you make it yourself?” he asks.

“Yes dear, and thank you.” she smiles to him, happy that she had managed to get something Alan would like.

“No, thank _you,_ Mrs Morcom.” Alan says and leans in to hug her. At first Mrs Morcom freezes from shock but the she hug Alan back. When she pulls back her eyes are watery from the sudden show of emotion. Alan was kind, yes, but he didn't let his feelings show. She smiles at him and wipes a tear from her face. Alan smiles back shyly and then turns to look at Christopher. He catches him smile proudly and a little moves, but when he catches his eye, Christopher turns his face away, still smiling softly.

“Uhm, Mrs Morcom,” Alan says “my mother, asked me to give you this.” he says offering her a present.

“Oh, dear,” Mrs Morcom says and takes it. “She really didn't have to.” she opens it and lets out a happy sound. It is a desk set. There is a feathered pen, an ink box, pieces of paper and files.

“It is very thoughtful of her,” She tells him. “Please Alan, thank your mother for me.”

“I will do so.” Alan tells her.

She smiles at him and lets the desk set aside.

After Mrs Morcom gives Mr Morcom her present, a new pipe, and he gives her hers, a new pashmina for her dresses, Mrs Morcom turns to the boys.

“Have you boys gotten something to one another?” she asks innocently.

Alan and Christopher exchange looks. Alan nods slightly to Christopher. _Whatever you want to say, I'll follow your lead._

“Actually,” Christopher says “Alan gave me mine this morning, he didn't know we have a tradition of exchanging gifts all together. So I gave him his this morning as well.” Alan nods.

“Oh, alright.” Mrs Morcom says unsuspected. “Time to prepare for the dinner.” she smiles and stands up. The rest of the family follows her.

 

The Smiths come in around seven. Mr and Mrs Smith are warm people, even though it is apparent that their social class is a little higher than Morcom's. They women hug each other and the men shake hands. Mrs Morcom introduces Christopher and Alan to Mrs Smith who greets them cheerfully. The nanny, Mrs Brown, an old woman who, from what Alan is told, used to babysit Mrs Smith when she was little, takes the kids upstairs and then Mrs Smith order her to leave and go spend New Years Eve with her daughter. Mrs Brown thanks her and leaves.

They chat for a while, the two men eager to include Alan and Christopher and their conversation at first, and the women talk about Helen and motherhood.

After a while Mrs Smith makes to go upstairs to check on the kids but Mrs Morcom stops her and assures her that Alan and Christopher can look at them for a while.

“I wouldn't possibly wish to bother the boys.” Mrs Smith insists.

“No trouble at all, ma'am.” Christopher says politely and Mrs Morcom gives him a proud look.

Mrs Smith looks troubled for a moment but the she nods and smiles politely.

“If it would be any trouble I would appreciate that, Christopher.”

“Not at all.” he reassures her and head up the stairs with Alan.

The truth is, he is willing to take care of to kids of it means that he gets to spend some time alone with Alan.

 

Christopher heads up the stairs, Alan following him close by. He goes into his room and finds Helen trying to play with her doll while John is pulling at the doll's hair.

“Alright, what's going on?” Christopher says coming into the room.

They both turn to look at him with wide eyes. Christopher look at them silent for a while and then the boy starts crying while the girl look at him in shock.

“What happened here?” Alan asks as he comes in to stand behind Christopher.

“I think I might have been a little bit harsh.” Christopher admits. “I probably scared them.”

“They probably just don't know you.” Alan says and approaches the kids. He stands in front of them and looks at them with a smile.

“I am Alan.” he tells them. “This is Christopher. He is a friends of mine.” Christopher smiles when the kids turn to look at him again.

Alan waits for a while. “What is your name?” he asks the boy. The boy looks at him and narrows his eyes.

“John.” he says after a few moments.

“Good.” Alan says. “It's a great name. Is that your sister, John.” he asks. He feels Christopher come and sit close behind him, placing a hand on his lower back.

“Yeah.” John says.

“What is her name?” Christopher asks softly. John look at him from head to toes and then goes silent for a second.

“Helen.” he finally decides to says.

Alan smiles.

“John,” he says carefully, “do you and your sister want to play with us?”

John looks at him and then shakes his head no.

“Alright.” Alan says running out of ideas of what else to do.

“I have some coloured pencils,” Christopher turns to look at him “We can play and, if John and Helen want to join us they are welcome to do so.”

Alan smiles and nods.

“Okay,” he says. He follows Christopher to his desk, where he goes to get some pencils and a few pieces of paper.

“Do you think they will come?” Alan asks him.

“My goal is to keep them silent and unharmed, Alan.” Christopher says. “And to spend some time with you away from all these people downstairs.”

Alan smiles and helps him with the pencils.

They sit down, a little bit further away from they siblings and each one takes a piece of paper and a pencil. Christopher chooses a red one will Alan a blue.

Alan was never good at drawing so he just starts drawing lines lines here and there each one connecting with the other with dots. When he stops drawing he looks at what he has made. He is certain that there is a familiarity in the way the lines and dots are connected to each other. He stays there looking at it, trying to figure at out what makes so much sense in this seemingly simple drawing.

“Alan?” Christopher brings him back to the present. He shakes his head and looks at Christopher. “Everything alright?” he asks.

“Yes.” he says and smiles. “Yes, everything alright.” he puts the paper on the desk and takes another paper. This time he draws simple things. A car, a house, a book.

He raises his head and looks at Christopher. He is siting across from him with his back on the side of the bed and has a book in his legs with a piece of paper on it, so he can draw steadily. His face has an expression of complete concentration while he is looking down at the paper, his hand moving fast, drawing on it. He smiles softly. He casually turns to look at the kids. He sees Helen playing with here doll and John looking at him and Christopher, trying to bit his curiosity. Alan laughs softly and goes back to his paper.

After a while Christopher stands up and comes to sit next to Alan. He places a hand on his lower back and sits close enough their shoulders are touching. Alan smiles and turns to look at the kids. John doesn't seem to be paying attention to what they to, only to their drawings and Helen plays with here doll.

“What did you make?” Christopher asks. Alan looks at the piece of paper in front of him and sights.

“Nothing really. I was never good at sketching. You know.” he shows him what he had drawn.

“I find I rather like the book.” Christopher tells him. Alan looks at him and smiles.

“What did you do?” He asks him. Christopher goes over to the bed and takes his paper.

He hands it to Alan who looks at it with wide eyes. It is a perfect three-dimensional sketch of a chessboard, with a few chessmen on. The whites win.

“Christopher that's beautiful.” he tells him.

“Thank you.” Christopher says and smiles.

Finally, the curiosity is to much and John comes over to them. Alan and Christopher look at each other with a smirk.

“Do you like it?” Christopher asks him, showing him the chessboard.

John nods frantically. He points a finger at the drawing Alan has made.

“It is not such a piece of art, after what you have just witnessed, I am afraid.” Alan tells him but shows him anyway.

John narrows his eyes but then smiles at Alan and gives the drawing back.

“Like” he says.

“You like it?” Christopher asks.

“Yes.” he says. Probably because he understands it better than the chessboard.

“Do you want to draw something?” Alan asks.

John nods and Alan gives him a paper and a few pencils. John sits down and starts smudging the paper with many colours.

Helen, how until this moment has paid them no attention, comes closer to see what her brother is drawing. While she comes closer she trips over a pencil and fall on Christopher's arm. But she finds she likes it there so she stays on Christopher's arm. Christopher laughs and arranges her so that she can see what her brother is drawing.

After John is satisfied with what he has made he looks up. He sees Helen sitting on Christopher, and of course doesn't like that he is just sitting on the floor across from them, so he goes over and sits in front of Alan, laying on him. Alan's eyes open wide, not used to proximity from complete strangers but he looks at Christopher who smiles and relaxes a little. They keep drawing for a while until they are called for dinner.

 

When it is time for the Smiths to go, Alan and Christopher come down with John and Helen, the siblings holding their drawings in hand.

Mrs Smith thanks them again for looking at the kids and congratulates her children on the drawings.

When they are gone, Mrs Morcom thanks them as well and asks them what they did.

“Nothing really,” Christopher says “We just sat there drawing and they came to see what we were doing.”

Mrs Morcom smiles at them looking proud. They say goodnight and go upstairs.

Alan lays on the bed looking at his drawing examining it again, when Christopher comes in. he comes to sit next to him.

“What is it?” he asks.

“I draw it,” Alan explains “and somehow it seems, incredibly familiar, but I don't know why.” he sights and leaves it next to him. “I probably saw it somewhere, I can't remember.” he turns to Christopher and kisses him.

When they pull back, Christopher brushes a hand through his hair.

“You were good with the kids today.” he tells him. Alan smiles shyly and lowers his head.

“I barely knew what I was doing.” Alan says.

“Well, you were good. Better than I expected.” Christopher kisses his temple.

Alan smiles a sad smile. He thinks of all the things he wants to have someday with Christopher. A family, a home, kids. He shakes his head, trying to rid himself of the idea. He can't have such thoughts. He needs to be grateful about what he has with Christopher and not as for more. He looks at him and sees the same bittersweet expression and he knows, he just  _knows_ , the he is thinking the same.

“I love you, Chris.” he tells him, cupping his face in his hands.

“I love you.” Christopher says back and kisses him.

Then, the clock hits midnight. Christopher smiles brightly.

“Happy New Year, Alan.” he tells him.

“Happy New Year, Chris.” Alan says and smiles as well. Christopher hugs him close and they don't move for a while, enjoying one another's warmth.

 

Later, when Christopher is sound asleep, Alan is on his side looking at the paper next to him. He knows something about it, but he just can't place it exactly. He falls asleep looking at it and then he dreams about it.  Alan doesn't know it at that point, but that night he is looking at the very first draft of a digital computer...

 

 


	4. 4. New Year's Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only then I am human, only then I am clean

Alan and Christopher wake up early to pack their things. They are supposed to be at the station later this morning.

Alan wakes up before Christopher and stands laying for a while looking at him. He looks peaceful when he sleeps. When Christopher is awake he looks cheerful, warm, optimistic. But when he is asleep, he looks, sweet, peaceful. Alan smiles and gets out of his bed to go and sit next to Christopher. He brushes his hair and kisses his cheek. Christopher lets out a content sound and wraps his fist in Alan's shirt. Alan smiles and kisses him again.

“Chris?” he tells him. Christopher hums and opens one eye.

“What time is it?” he asks his voice hoarse from sleep, and Alan can't be blamed for kissing him.

“Time to get up.” he says when he pulls back. Christopher sights and Alan laughs. “Come on.”

Alan lets Christopher wake up and get out of bed in his own rhythm and goes to the bathroom. He brushes his teeth, uses the toilet and gets into the bathroom. While he is in the bathtub he hears the door opening and sees Christopher coming in with a smirk.

“Chris, what are you doing?” he asks panicked.

“Mum, Dad and Helen are not in the house.” Christopher tells him and takes his clothes off. “They are paying a visit to a next door neighbor.”

“S-so?” Alan asks. “They can come back any minute.” he says as Christopher comes into the bathtub with him.

“They will not be back for another half an hour.” he assures him. “But is you are that worried,” he leans to kiss him and stop a breath away from his lips “tell me to stop.”

Of course Alan doesn't. Christopher closes the small distance and kisses Alan hungrily. He wraps a hand around Alan's waist and pulls him closer. Alan can feel Christopher's erection pressing against his own and leaves a low moan. Christopher grabs a handful of Alan's hair and pulls. Alan bucks his hips forwards to Christopher and Christopher leans to kiss Alan's neck and shoulder. Alan lets a low growl and his head falls on Christopher's shoulder.

He wraps a hand around both their cocks and Christopher groans an bits Alan's shoulder. Alan's grip tightens and Christopher gaps and starts rocking in Alan's hand.

“Chris.” Alan whispers and at that Christopher loses it. He freezes grabbing Alan's shoulders hard and comes, biting his own hand in Alan's shoulder to keep from making a sound, triggering Alan's own release. He gasps and calls Christopher's name again and comes with Christopher.

When they come down from their post-orgasmic bliss, they wash each other and Christopher exits the bathroom first. Nobody is at home yet, just how he expected it. Alan comes out right after him. They get dressed and start packing their things. They have to stop every now and then to kiss and giggle and so it takes them a little longer to come down for breakfast.

 

The rest have come home and Mrs Morcom asks them what the want to have for breakfast today.

“I don't really have a preference.” Alan say politely “Whatever is easier for you.” Mrs Morcom smiles and looks at Christopher.

“Yes, whatever is easier.” Christopher agrees.

“How about some scrambled eggs?” she offers.”

“That would be great.” Alan smiles and Christopher nods.

They sit on the table while Mrs Morcom prepares it. Alan looks around and suddenly feels a wave of melancholy pass through him. He likes this place, he likes this family and he likes being with Christopher outside school, even though he can't really be with Christopher the way he'd like in here either. But it's the most he could ask for. He takes another look around and then turns his attention back to Christopher. Christopher looks at him and gives him a questioning look.  _Everything alright?_ Alan smiles and shakes his head.  _Yes, everything is fine, don't worry._ Christopher smiles and nods.  _Okay._

“Alan, dear,” Mrs Morcom interrupts their silent conversation “I will send you mother a letter, to thank her for her lovely present, and also for letting you spend Christmas with us.”

“That would be very kind of you, Mrs Morcom.” Alan tells her. “And I rater hope, we could return the favour and have Christopher over sometime.”

“If your mother agrees with it I have no problem.” Mrs Morcom says smiling. Christopher smiles and when Mrs Morcom turns back to making the eggs, it turns into a smirk. Alan shakes his head but he is smiling. When Today, when Mrs Morcom brings the eggs to the table she sits with them and they talk.

 

When it is time to leave, Mr Morcom helps them with their trunks. He is waiting in the car while the boys, Mrs Morcom and Helen are in the front door, ready to say their goodbyes.

“Take care.” Mrs Morcom tells them both and hugs them. Fist Christopher and then Alan. “And pay attention to your professors.” she reminds them.

Alan and Christopher assure her that they will indeed be careful and pay attention in class and she nods with watery eyes. Mr Morcom honks for them to hurry and then Mrs Morcom gasps.

“Oh I almost forgot!” she says “I made you something to eat on the train. Go to the car and I'll bring it.” she says and rushes inside.

Christopher hugs Helen and she kisses him on the cheek. He heads to the car and Helen hug Alan.

“Take care of him.” she whisper to his ear and Alan's knees almost give away.

When she pulls back he looks at her with wide eyes and she smiles at him knowingly but sweetly. Alan doesn't know how to react but then Mrs Morcom comes back with a paper bag in her hands and she rushes Alan to the car. Alan turns to look at her and she nods smiling. Mrs Morcom hands him the bag and gives him one last kiss on the hair. He gives her a smile and gets in the car.

 

The drive to the station is silent and when they arrive, Mrs Morcom helps them to put their trunks on the train. They say their goodbyes in the platform. They shake hands and Alan once, again thanks him for the hospitality.

They get into the train and their carriage is almost empty. The sit in the sits at the end of it, facing away from the rest of the carriage.

When the train starts Alan wants to lay his head on Christopher's shoulder but he is not sure he should do that. He folds his legs under his body and leans against him not quite touching. Christopher looks at him and stays silent for a few moments. Then he wraps a hand around Alan's waist and pulls him towards him more so that their shoulders are touching. Alan smiles to himself and feels his cheeks turning red. After all these years and he still blushes.

“Should we-?” he begins to ask.

“I don't know.” Christopher interrupts him. “We will see if someone comes.” he kisses Alan's head. “Just don't fall asleep on me, I don't know how I will be able to explain that.” he snorts and Alan knocks him in the ribs.

Christopher laughs harder until Alan has to cover his mouth with his arm to stop him from bringing everybody here.

When Christopher manages to settle, they stay silent for a few minutes looking at the view from the train window.

After a while Alan speaks.

“Your sister knows.” he tells Christopher.

Christopher who was deep in his thoughts did not follow Alan.

“Hm?” he asks.

“You sister. She knows.” Alan repeats.

“She does?” Christopher asks leaning leaning in so that their faces are mostly one next to the other. They are looking outside the window but now they can talk without the risk of being overheard.

“Yes.” Alan says. “Before we leave she told me to take care of you.” Christopher smiles warmly at the thought. “Do you think she will say anything?” Alan asks. He tries to sound nonchalant but Christopher doesn't miss the nervousness in his voice.

“No, I don't think she will.” Christopher says. “But, you are the one she talked to. How did she sound?”

“I don't know, Chris.” Alan says. “I mean, she didn't seem like she would say anything. But I'm just scared. I don't want anyone to know.”

“I know. I'm scared too, Alan.” Christopher tells him. “But you said it yourself she will not say anything. And if she would say anything she wouldn't give you the heads up.”

Alan nods. Christopher is right.

“I don't even want to think what will happen later.” Alan tells him after a while, his voice soft but sad.

Christopher's had tightens around his waist.

“We'll figure it out.” he says softly but Alan sense a sadness in his tone. He takes a deep breath and cuddles closer to Christopher.

“I know we will.” he tells him.

“Together.” Christopher says.

“Together.” Alan agrees.

 


	5. epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Worship in the bedroom

That night they are in Christopher's room, laying naked in bed. Christopher is laying on his back and Alan is on his right side, one hand on Christopher's chest over his heart.

“I liked spending Christmas with your family.” Alan says suddenly.

Christopher smiles and kisses his head.

“I liked that you spend Christmas with my family, as well.” he says and holds him closer. “And I loved spending time with you.”

“I did, too.” Alan says welcoming the strong grip of Christopher and cuddling closer himself. “Although, I have to admit,” he says “that I really missed this. I missed being able to sleep in a bed with you all night and not having to go to my own. Even though, the bed still smelled like you and you were just across from me and I could see you. Still, I really missed this.” He brings his face to the crook of Christopher's neck and takes a deep breath inhaling the unique smell of Christopher. He closes his eyes and smiles, wrapping his hand over Christopher's waist and pulling him closer.

Just when he is about to fall asleep he hears Christopher saying “I was right.”

“Hm?” he asks, between sleep and reality.

“I was right.” Christopher repeats and his hand starts playing with Alan's hair. “They loved you.”

Alan laughs softly.

“Yes, I believe you were.” he says. “They are lovely people, your parents.” he tells him looking up at him.

Christopher smiles and kisses him,

“Do you know what I want?” Alan says.

“What?” Christopher asks.

“I want to go somewhere, where I can be with you. Officially. I can take you out on a date and hold your hand. I can go to the movies with you and buy a lemonade and put my arm round you shoulders as we watch the movie. I can live with you in a house and nobody will question it. I can introduce my self as you boyfriend and your parents will like me for what I really am to you. I can be with you for as long as you'll have me. I can bend down on one knee and ask you to marry me and spend the rest of our lives with me. Just you and me.” they stay silent for a while, his words flooding in the air, letting themselves dream for a while.

“That would be beyond amazing.” Christopher says finally. “I would want all that with you. I would let you take my hand when we walk and put your arm around my shoulder. I would introduce you properly to my parents. And I would definitely say yes to spending the rest of my life with you.” Alan smiles and looks at him. He expects to Christopher's sad expression. But instead he is smiling. A real smile. A happy one.

“I expected to see you sad when I looked up.” he confesses.

Christopher takes a deep breath.

“All these are great, Alan.” he tells him. “But they're just dreams. This,” he holds him close “is real. And I don't care how much I have to fight or how many hours I might have to travel, because it will be you and me. That's all that matters.”

Alan smiles brightly. He sees his point. And he is right.

“You and me” Alan says.

“You and me” Christopher agrees. “Just us.”

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi!  
> tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/lady-grey-1996  
> asianfanfics: http://www.asianfanfics.com/profile/view/1303197  
> deviantart: http://ladygrey1996.deviantart.com/


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